Emotional Pro

This week, I’ve had some deep conversations with people, outside of my therapy office. My friend, Deki, and I talked about ideas for “Born to Learn.” She’s helping me to formulate part of the material. I always count on her to “explore” with me. She is one of the most supportive people I know. Ask for her help, and she immediately rolls up her sleeves and gets to work. Not only that, she also works on what we talk about when she’s “on her own.” She lives in Milwaukee; and I live in California. We’ve decided to Skype each other and record, so we can capture the wonderful things that come out of our mouths when we brainstorm together. Deki has co-hosted on Full Power Living, numerous times, with nary a penny in compensation. I did buy her a few books; but she bought me a few, too, so I am definitely not ahead of the financial game with her! I appreciate her a lot!
Yesterday I talked with my daughter-in-law. My son is away for a few days, on business, and she is home with a five month old baby. I was a single mother for 18 years, so I am quite sensitive to what it is like to have this wee bundle of love whom one does love, but by whom you can feel trapped when you are the “only one.” I was able to talk with her about my concerns as to what she fed the baby (my son had allergies; and I believe there are things she can eat that will not stimulate her to develop them, is such can be done). What I loved about this conversation is the way my DIL responded to my concerns. “We’re on the same page! Here’s what I have purchased,” she said, reading off a list that matched the one in my head, only more organic! “Thank you so much for your concern!” I really love that the people in my family and in my life are the ones with whom I can talk deeply, regarding my true concerns. Rather than becoming defensive, angry, hurt, etc., they interact with me, set their own boundaries, thank me for my concern, tell me their own concerns.
The real treasure this week, especially because in the 10 years I’ve been around, I don’t think we have ever talked this way together, was the lunch and afternoon I spent with my step-daughter. No beating around the bush. We talked about what she experienced recently (she took a weekend-long personal growth seminar), what I have been experiencing. We talked about an interaction we had recently in which I had felt hurt. I e-mailed her regarding my hurt. She delighted me by saying she has been learning from me not to “sit on” her feelings, but to tell the “little things” to people. I told her that I have learned, over many years of experience, that if I hold onto those “negative emotional states” they do violence to me, internally. I believe I have little choice. The people around me know, almost immediately, my emotional reaction to my interactions with them. We compared life experiences. We each had a step-mother; their birthdays are only 4 days apart. We were astounded at the similarities we had shared in growing up, even though she is 35 years younger.
I come away from these interactions feeling lighter, loved, happy and close. What an incredible opportunity we have on this earth to interact with others and get such immediate benefit. I wonder what percentage of people in this world have the opportunity to talk about the real things they experience, feel, care about and want to offer. My answer is that not nearly enough of us have these opportunities, interacting in more “surface” ways. I have discovered, as a psychotherapist, that a large number of people prefer to relate in surface ways. Going deep is more work, especially in looking at ourselves. Yet, it is the “stuff” of the earth experience. In our Giant School, we gain the most by “going deep” and learning, learning, learning.
What did I learn this week? 1) I have incredibly supportive and wonderful friends. 2) I raised my children well. I can tell by the who the people they chose to marry are, and what they are doing with their lives. Whew! 3) It’s amazing how people start off life as tiny little babies who need your help, guidance and protection, yet they blossom into remarkable people with depth, wisdom and character who feel “the same” as people (such as myself) who have been here years longer. 4) I gain a lot from interacting with my friends and family. 5) I like my life and the people in it. If they are a reflection of me, as many say, then I also like myself. And I love “going deep”!