Keep Anger Flowing to Improve Self Esteem By Ilene L. Dillon, M.S.W. According to one expert, “Self esteem is necessary for survival; Self love is necessary for growth.” Every person on this earth must maintain a certain level of self esteem (feeling good about the “self”) just in order to maintain life. This, of course, means that successful parents must find ways to help children develop and maintain self-esteem. Parents Work Hard to Build Self Esteem And so we heap praise upon our youngsters, help them to become proficient in tasks and in sports or dance, attend their school performances and games, and protect them as best we can from experiences that make them feel bad. For most children, this approach works. I remember my great surprise when my six year old responded angrily after I gave him a lavish compliment. He told me, in no uncertain terms, that I should “stop talking to me like that!” I was stunned. Only after consulting a much wiser and more experienced friend did I grasp that for some children, the “heaping praise” approach is more harmful than helpful. My son, it was theorized, had a strong sense of himself and therefore felt I was “talking down” to him whenever I praised him directly! Instead, it was suggested that I write a note expressing my appreciation and hide it among his possessions in his room. This I did, in very simple first-grade language. Five days after, he ran from his room yelling “Who put this in my room?” When I acknowledged the “transgression,” he said “oh,” and immediately calmed. From then on, he accepted my appreciation notes without comment. Anger’s Impact on Self-Esteem An important thing that can hinder the development of self-esteem is anger. As part of an Anger Mastery course I have taught to parents, children, probation officers and psychotherapists for the past 30 years, I have included a section on how held-onto anger actually destroys every one of the seven Building Blocks of self-esteem. I say to them, “Give me a person with held-onto anger; and I’ll show you a person with low self-esteem. Give me a person with low self-esteem; and I’ll show you a person filled with held-onto anger.” Knowing this is vitally important for parents. The human system operates as a “channel” for emotions, much the way a river bed channels river water. Emotions, which are energy, need to move. Once they do their job for us (signaling us about what action would be best for us to take), they are meant to “move on” by channeling out of us. This is one of the reasons we recommend forgiveness, because “to forgive” means “to let go.” Why Our Angry Feelings Fail to Flow! Unfortunately, the way most people have learned to deal with emotions, and in particular anger, negates this flow of the energy of anger, encouraging people of all ages to hold the anger inside rather than to accept it, follow its signal and then turn it loose completely. Because we see anger as a “negative emotion,” people are encouraged to count to ten, rationalize away feelings of anger, to make sure they don’t “lose control,” or to “get even” instead of experiencing and dealing with the anger! This is tantamount to damming river water as it flows through the riverbed, thus creating a water-filled lake. Holding onto angry feelings (usually through repression or suppression) creates a “lake” of angry energy in us. The river and the human both continue to function with their respective energy dammed, until there is a storm that adds water (or anger) to the “lake.” Then devastating, ravaging floods can occur, wreaking havoc. We see this in a small way in ourselves, as parents, when we don’t speak up at our first hint of anger, hoping not to become angry. Parents with whom I have worked express dismay and chagrin that they can’t “hold back” on getting angry better than they do, not realizing that this very pattern on holding onto the anger creates their explosion! Even as the energy of anger is dammed up, it is doing damage to the holder. Anger is the most active emotion human beings have, and is thus constantly “working” inside of us, so long as we hold onto it. Just as a waterfall erodes rock, so held-onto anger erodes us. In addition to negatively affecting our perception of people and events, inflating our ego, stimulating the development of physical illness of all types, and blocking our success in the world, held-onto anger destroys self-esteem! It also keeps us from many of the behaviors for which people with high self-esteem are known: acting with spontaneity, responsibility, honesty and integrity. Holding onto anger for any reason, over time, can seriously damage our life and our health. It’s a “no-brainer”: parents must teach their children how to work with anger so that they can utilize its message and then turn it loose. Parents Need to Learn What They Teach The problem is that most parents haven’t learned the importance and power of anger, nor have they themselves learned how to work with it! Even in mental health circles, there is no clearly-accepted way of understanding and dealing with anger that psychotherapists learn and follow. In fact, (based on a survey we did of California colleges and universities that prepare psychotherapists for licensure), most psychotherapists have never taken a “stand alone” course on anger during their training! Exploring Anger With Your Child was published in 1994, my first attempt to help parents with this vital job. Since then, I have taught courses and offered teleseminars for parents on “Anger Mastery with Your Child.” In the book and in my course I offer many fun activities that parents and children can do together to work with anger, as well as a not-often-understood explanation of anger’s intended function in human life. All emotions, in fact, are intended as signals. They tell us where our lives are not functioning well, and point the direction for us to make changes. Anger’s signal, for example, is that our picture of “how the world is” is inaccurate and needs to be changed. It also signals that we need to take action of some sort. Love, as we all know, signals us to “come closer.” Loneliness, fear, hurt, jealousy, depression, guilt, shame and remorse also offer “signals” for what we need to change, look at or do. Emotions are provided to human beings as TOOLS, together operating as our “Human User’s Manual.” You can see how devastating it is to the “operation of a person” when we teach our children to ignore, repress, suppress or harbor their emotions, thus effectively depriving them of essential messages regarding their best course of action. When our children make “good decisions,” they feel better about themselves. When they achieve mastery in a particular area of life, they also feel good about themselves. I am convinced that most parents, if they but knew the importance and benefits of helping their children to master anger, would do everything possible toward that end! A Cornucopia of Benefits for Us All We’re now conscious of the need to change the way we deal with anger and other emotions. That means that modern parents are the “transition generation,” needing to re-educate themselves about working with their own angry feelings, so they can teach their children the tools they need to function more successfully with anger, and in the world. Our children will get a double bonus: they’ll have the incredible benefits that accrue to a person who is not holding anger inside; and they’ll have parents who live those benefits every day, having greater success, fewer interpersonal problems, and much better health, so they can enjoy life with their children for many years to come! Ilene L. Dillon, M.S.W., is author of 12 published works (10 on emotions), including “Bouncing Back from Low Self-Esteem.” Her work has been featured in countless magazines and newsletters, including Woman’s Day, Excellence and Care Notes; and she has appeared on King World’s The Rolonda Show. A privately-practicing psychotherapist for 35 years, Ilene is also a Professional Speaker and creator/host of Internet radio’s “Full Power Living” (www.worldtalkradio.com), dedicated to “awakening the world to the power and importance of human emotions.” She offers workshops and teleseminars on “Mastering Anger With Your Child.” Write her at Ilene@emotionalpro.com or visit www.emotionalpro.com for more information.