Emotional Pro

Last night was scary at my house. My son came to visit, to help me with some computer issues, and as he drove over the hill, an irate driver (for no apparent reason, according to my son), began to crowd his bumper and blow his horn. I was on the cell phone with him, and heard the horn blowing. The man, a large man in a dark blue pickup truck, followed him close to 8 miles, all the way to our home! When our entire family appeared and stood with him in the driveway, the man lingered for what seemed like a very long time, and then left. “What was that about?” exclaimed my son. He was visibly shaken. 28 years old, a peace lover and a new father, he told us he has a new-found sense of “protectionism” and could think only about making sure he is around for his daughter’s growing up years! We talked about his “lesson” in all of this, though at the time I don’t think he was ready to look since he was still infused with adrenalin.
Later, as he drove home, we continued our cell-phone conversation. I realized, as present and interested a single mother as I thought I was, how much I still never knew about my son’s experiences, even when he was in high school. I knew that in the sixth and seventh grade he had a nemesis, a boy in his class, who actually one day pushed him down while playing a game even though he was wearing a cast on one arm, breaking his other arm! They had finally worked it out, with a between-school-and-basketball fight that left my son with 8 bloody fingernail scrapes down the middle of his face and the other boy making a visit to the hospital to check out his damaged privates. I had talked with the headmaster of the school, asking for advice. Fighting, of course, wasn’t permitted. My son said to me “You know I am not a fighter. But I figured out that if I didn’t stand up for myself, he was going to keep coming after me.” I could make no argument to this. “Then, once I hit him, I realized that I had never expected him to fight back. That’s when he dug his fingernails into me. Once that happened, I thought I better really stand up for myself, otherwise he’d come back at me with a vengeance. That’s when I went after him and kicked him where it hurt.” That was such a fascinating incident, which happened the year following the broken arms, when both boys were 13. The assistant headmaster called the boys in for a meeting. My son took responsibility, saying that he had been in a fight, that he is not the “fighting type” and that he had no intention of fighting again, and was willing to take his consequences. The other boy took no responsibility, saying my son was the total culprit. To my surprise, the other boy received a rather severe consequence. They gave my son no consequence at all. Clearly, honesty and responsibility were being rewarded. It was a powerful lesson for him.
But to get back to last night, it brought us to the conversation about why so many crazy things are happening, such as his experience of last night. He said: “It seems like people have no empathy! They don’t seem to get or care about what is happening for the other person.” To which I responded, “It’s been my experience that when people are what I call ‘lifestyle manipulators,’ they are incapable of empathy! I believe we have an epidemic of manipulation in our world today, hence also an epidemic of people without empathy.” “Precisely!” he responded. “How do we get rid of manipulation?”
“More to the point,” I told him, “is how do we help people to grow up! Lifestyle manipulators are stuck, emotionally, at age 4 or less. It isn’t that we get rid of manipulation, we must allow people to grow past the need for it. We’re all born manipulative. We’re supposed to grow out of it! Few seem to.” My son knows a lot about my manipulation theory, which I have taught to thousands of people and about which I have written a booklet (for sale on this web site in downloadable form!). He started using it, consciously, when he was six, when he realized another 6 year old who lived in our neighborhood was highly manipulative. I always felt like a swarm of locusts had come to our house when this child arrived! One day my son said to me, at age 6, “I’ve decided not to play with him any more. I don’t like it when he manipulates me.” And he stuck to his decision.
The two key ingredients about manipulation we discussed last night are these: need versus want and facing aloneness. The lifestyle manipulator, not being grown up, “needs” others to bend to his will, do what s/he wants. The mature person wants things and behaviors from others, but realizes s/he will be all right if s/he doesn’t get what is requested, and moves on to create his/her life instead of attempting to control others to get what is perceived as “needed.” The other thing about manipulation is that lifestyle manipulators are terrified, deep down, to be alone. For most, even being alone an hour is too much. You can tell what an epidemic of manipulation we have by the number of people who listen to music, television, computer, do on-line chat and talk on the telephone, rather than take the risk of spending any time alone! Until we have the courage to face our own aloneness (and survive, which everyone I’ve known who tried it, did!), we continue to live as lifestyle manipulators. It is my fervent hope, as I work to go for the Quantum Leap in my work, that I can influence many people to free themselves of the need to manipulate (and in turn, be manipulated–it takes one to know one!). I don’t need it. But I do want it!